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Love & sex > Savage Love

Matrimony for three

On opening up the connubial bed to guests

MT Illustration: Robert Ullman
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More from Dan Savage

Getting cuckold feet (10/6/2010)
Jealous lovers, screaming partners and a noble online project

Awkward threesomes (9/29/2010)
Is he a third wheel? Or in the throes of a cuckold fetish?

Hope for the future (9/22/2010)
Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself

 

Published 8/19/2009

Q: I just turned 20 and have been out of the closet for a year. A lesbian friend wants to hook me up with her gay friend — let's call him Kyle — a cute, fit boy who runs track and does theater. The issue is that he's just 17 and starting his senior year in high school, while I am entering my junior year in college. The age of consent where we live is 16. I realize the age difference is not too big, but he is technically still a minor. I'm only mildly experienced (I've had just one boyfriend), and I'd like to think I'm a nice guy. Also, the gay pickings are rather slim around here.

Are there certain things to keep in mind besides the usual respect and honesty, or should I treat this as any other potential meeting? Does the "campsite" rule apply with such a small age gap? —Man In Need Of Recommendation

A: Meet the boy.

If you hit it off, MINOR, it would be a shame if you didn't allow Kyle to benefit from your wisdom, experience and cock just because he wasn't born 12 months earlier. And if you start going steady — which is what kids used to do before hooking up ruined everything — and he's out to his family, I would urge you to meet his parents. They might not be entirely comfortable with their son's sexuality, and meeting the college boy who's boning their son might be awkward. But if you go out of your way to reassure them about your intentions toward their son — above and beyond boning — they may feel a bit more at ease about the relationship.

As for the campsite rule — "leave him in better shape than you found him" — others have pointed out that the rule should apply regardless of age, sexuality, species, etc. I agree, of course, but I still believe that older, wiser, and more experienced partners have a special responsibility to leave their sex partners in better shape than they found them in, and should be encouraged to make a special effort.


Q: I'm 35, gay and in a six-year relationship. My husband — not really, here in Tennessee, but I call him that anyway — is 38, and we have a great relationship. We have been monogamous up till now but are open to inviting select others into our bed. This was prompted by a friend we recently made whom we both find attractive and who has expressed an interest in us both. He is 24, cute, and just starting out in Gaydom. We don't expect anything long term, just a nice, mellow friend-with-benefits scenario.

Any suggestions as to issues we might want to discuss up front? —Good Gay Guys

A: Tell the 24-year-old not to expect anything long term, GGG, and let him know that while you will be treating him like a piece of meat, you will also be treating him like a human being. Make sure he understands that his presence in your lives — and your bed — is meant to be fun and temporary. You two get to spice it up with some strange; he gets to benefit from your wisdom, experience and cocks. And tell him that, while he'll have a blast with you two, he shouldn't pass on a date with a potential boyfriend, should one appear on the scene — but so long as you three are friends-with-benefiting-it-up, you would like to be informed about any other sexual contacts he might have.

Then show him the ropes, teach him about sexual safety, encourage him to open up to you guys about anything he's ever wanted to try, help him find his place in Gaydom, and when it comes to an end — as it will and should — make an effort to remain friends.


Q: I am a gay male.
A couple of months ago, I developed a friendship with a gay married couple. We hit it off great — I really enjoy their company. Then they took me aside and "invited" me into their marriage, and so now I'm in one of those "polyamorous" groups. I have never been in one before.

I thought I would be able to open myself up to both of them, but for some reason I can't seem to feel love for them both at the same time. I've always seen myself as a strict-monogamy kind of guy. I thought a three-way would be fun, but when I'm with two guys, I feel like I'm just a piece of meat. I am probably not making much sense, but I would like some advice, if you could, please. I feel inadequate because I can't feel comfortable in this relationship. —Feel Like A Prude

A: So after knowing you for two months, this couple essentially proposed to you, inviting you "into their marriage," and you accepted. Hmm. Exit this marriage at once, FLAP. Not because you're a prude — clearly you're open to trying new things — but because at two months, they were idiots to propose and you were an idiot to accept.

Backing up: Trying something and not liking it doesn't mean that you're a prude, FLAP, it only means that "it" either wasn't for you or that you tried "it" with the wrong person(s). I suspect the latter in this case. If these guys, after two months, had invited you to hang out with them, to roll around with them, to drop by twice a week for a leisurely spit roasting, I suspect you would've had a better experience, FLAP. Inviting you over to be treated like a piece of meat — and a human being — would've been honest. All you could really be at two months is a piece of meat and a friend-with-benefits; you couldn't be a husband and in love with both of them equally. Their unreasonable expectations, and your attempt to live up to them, ruined what could've been a nice little affair.


Q: I'm a gay dude who has been trying to find an all-natural and organic lube. The only one my hubby and I liked was a brand called Bliss, but alas, they stopped making it. When I try to look online or at the local co-op, the only all-natural sex lubricants I can find all say something to the effect of "closest possible to a woman's natural vaginal fluids." I have two problems with this. Problem No. 1: "Eeewwwww!" Problem No. 2: When I have sampled these just-like-vaginal-fluids lubes, they seem very thin. A healthy bout of anal sex needs something with a bit more viscosity. Is there an all-natural lube out there that doesn't quickly dry out and washes off easily? Some friends keep suggesting vegetable oils, but I don't want to have to wash off my junk with Dawn after sex. —Lubing Up Butts Environmentally Safely

A: "Not that vaginal juices are eeewwwww-ey," says Rachel Venning, co-founder of Babeland, one of my favorite sex-toy shops. "But I don't want a jar of them on my nightstand either. I want something that stays slick longer, like packaged lube."

Babeland makes its own organic lube, a water-based lube called Naked that's thick, latex-safe and good for butt play. "It comes in totally ungendered, nonplastic packaging," Venning adds, making it perfect for squeamish-about-girl-bits fags like you and me, LUBES. "Another new brand of organic lube to try is Sliguid Organics Gel. There is a teeny-tiny women's symbol in the logo, but if that isn't too much of a turnoff for this man-loving man, it's good stuff."

Vegetable oils aren't condom-safe, of course, but if you and your partner are seroconcordant and having anal sex with only each other, Venning suggested "some natural unguent from the beauty aisle — shea-butter balm or the like. Not as slippery as lube but lasts longer."

Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to mail@savagelove.net.

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