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Love & sex > Savage Love

Finding a hot third

The problems of having him pick her out for you both

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Savage Love ARCHIVES
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Hope for the future (9/22/2010)
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More from Dan Savage

Getting cuckold feet (10/6/2010)
Jealous lovers, screaming partners and a noble online project

Awkward threesomes (9/29/2010)
Is he a third wheel? Or in the throes of a cuckold fetish?

Hope for the future (9/22/2010)
Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself

 

Published 11/4/2009

Q: I'm a 20-year-old girl, and I've been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he's happy to be with a girl who likes girls.

The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda-sorta jealous when he actually goes and talks to other women. It's a weird game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my cravings for a woman — is that too much to ask? Am I just being selfish? Why can't girls just appear in my bedroom? —Crazy About Girls Eternally

A: Because you're not Logan, CAGE, and there's no such thing as the Circuit (tinyurl.com/cfj89d) — not yet, anyway, even if the Internet kinda-sorta comes close.

If watching your boyfriend hit on girls — ostensibly on your behalf — gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you're going to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either in person or online. And you might have more success landing a willing bisexual girl — a girl who's interested in you and your boyfriend — if you made the passes.

Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by 23-year-old pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes will assume that it's about Eye Candy's fantasies, not the girlfriend's. And if you're hanging back, looking uncomfortable, jealous and headachy, even a girl who might be up for a threesome is going to read reluctance into your demeanor, presume your boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she's going to think you have the swine flu and decline.

If you want pussy, CAGE, you'll have to take the lead. Remember: It's OK to be geeky and inept and awkward when you're hitting on someone; some people think it's cute, and smooth is overrated when it comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty smooth — what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines, something direct and truthful, something along the lines of, "We think you're really hot, and we've always wanted to have a threesome" — and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty girl who crosses your paths. If you can't do that, post personal ads online and flirt via e-mail. There are a lot of couples online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you'll increase your odds of success if you offer to be a couple's third in exchange for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for you and your boyfriend.

Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous — but it's his turn, right?


Q:
I'm a straight female in her early 20s, currently engaged to a handsome man three years older. We're very happy and we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I've been worried about one question: Considering my limited previous sexual experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I've gotten some (well-intentioned, I'm sure) advice that suggests that we are both making mistakes. I can't have a satisfying sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else, I'm told, and he's making a huge mistake by pairing up with a less experienced partner. I hope that the individuals telling me this are wrong.

I have absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship, and I do my best to be GGG. He says I'm a great lover and a lot more confident in bed now compared to when we first made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don't want to find out down the road that we made a mistake. —Negligible Experience With Boning

A: Are you happy? Is he happy? That's all that matters. Just keep those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue to explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself every once in a while that even the less experienced partner in a relationship is allowed to have likes and dislikes, offer constructive criticisms, and make suggestions — and sometimes demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner has every right to expect GGG from her partner.

Finally, tell the "friends" who're offering you such unhelpful advice — tell those underminers — to go fuck themselves. Some people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what they like and whom they want. That's not the case for everyone. And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable, sexually dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty of experience.


Q:
I have a small problem. My niece is 14, and the other day I met her boyfriend. He's a sweet boy, with double-pierced ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell for him when she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school, which is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage girl wouldn't want someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away. Needless to say, my sister loves the boy — he's a perfect gentleman. I'm inclined to let it be. They're only 14; what harm could it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don't want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow up to be a Felix Unger-type heterosexual. Any advice? —A Caring Loving Uncle

A: It's comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy, seeing as he's a perfect little gentleman now and likely to be a perfect little pillow-chomping bottom when he grows up (or one of those rare fashion-forward tops). But a study conducted by the University of British Columbia found that gay and lesbian youth — closeted or otherwise — were more likely to get pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because nothing says "I'm not gay!" like a knocked-up 14-year-old girlfriend.

So here's what I'd do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside for a chat. Begin with, "You seem like a nice kid," and then let him have it: "But if you get my niece pregnant, I will kill you." Now pay attention to the italicized bits in what comes next: "I'd rather you didn't fuck her — she's 14, so are you — but if you need condoms or advice about anything, don't hesitate to ask. I won't repeat anything you ask me about to my sister. And don't think I won't kick your ass just because I'm gay. I can and I will. Oh, and love the jacket — where did you get it?"

The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are watching out for her — something all 14-year-old boyfriends should be made aware of — and that he can confide in you, the involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It's unlikely that he'll seize the opportunity to come out to you, ACLU, and it's important that you accept the premise of his heterosexuality (however improbable it might seem) before, during and after your talk. You'll be nudging him in the direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do real and lasting harm — read: teen pregnancy — to your niece.

As for breaking her heart, well ... you can't protect her from that, and you shouldn't bother to try. That's what comes with being 14.

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