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Love & sex > Ask Isadora

You call this fun?

 

Published 9/27/2000

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Q: I recently met a great guy. We have been seeing each other for 4 months and have just begun a sexual relationship. He has some weird ways in bed and I wanted to know if they are normal. He hates going down on me but knows that I like it; he’ll do it only if I shower first. Also, I have to hold my lips open because he doesn't like to. I am a large women (he is not a large man) and I can understand the holding open of the lips, but shouldn't he do that? He hates getting his hands dirty so he won't touch me down there unless we are in a shower or tub together. I am getting frustrated because I want him to touch me there more then he does and I don't know what to do to get him to do that. One more thing that he does gets me mad: Once he comes, he gets up and cleans himself off; he doesn't stay in bed and cuddle after ejaculation. He comes back after he cleans up but it is not the same as just staying there after climax. He says he doesn't want his cum to dry because it hurts when it dries on his skin. Do you think he is a clean freak and he hates to be dirty or that sex makes him feel dirty? What do I do? I am beginning not to enjoy sex with him.

A: There's not a whole lot you can do. How to get your partner to want what you want and like what you like is the trillion-dollar question of all time. I can't imagine sex is much fun for either of you if one partner is figuratively holding his nose (rather than your lips) during it. Tell him that his fastidiousness is taking a great deal of pleasure out of it for you and ask what you can do to make sex in general more fun. (I don't think bathing beforehand is too much to ask.) Suggest watching videos, taking a sensual arts class together (such as massage or tantra) and gently teasing him about his uptightness. If he can't or won't loosen up, what you've got is "a great guy" who is not into enjoyable sex and you get to decide whether to keep him or let him go.

Q: I am a 25-year-old male who appears to be handsome, masculine and down to earth, but my sex life is going from bad to worse. Within the last five or six months it has been a disaster. Size is not an issue because I am larger than what many consider normal. It was not long ago when my penis stayed erect for any sexual activity. Now I am not maintaining erections which is very embarrassing and leaves me more and more depressed. I have been tested for all sorts of STDs which were all negative. Am I too young for Viagra? What are the side effects and how and where can I get it?

A: Did you happen to mention to any of the health care workers why you wanted STD tests? If so, I can't imagine than none suggested some further testing by a urologist. I can't think of any STD that causes erection difficulties but I can think of several other medical conditions that do. Please see a urologist soon, tell him or her what's going on with you, and if the doctor deems you a likely candidate (there is no age limit) he/she will prescribe Viagra and answer your questions.

Q: Since I was a teenager my secret fantasy has involved seducing a priest. A few months ago I began attending a nearby church because I now have a 4-year-old daughter who I want to have some exposure to religion. The priest is a young attractive man and, for the first time, I am actually contemplating fulfilling my fantasy. I am a single mother, not involved with anyone right now, so there's no question of cheating on my part. I have no intention of ruining his reputation by telling anyone. Would I be doing any harm to this priest?

A: Yes. So why don't you consider raising your daughter as a pagan, or exposing her to Judaism, Episcopalianism or almost any other religion where the clergy has not taken vows of celibacy.

Confidential to the horrified person who sent me the "Citizens Against Breast Feeding" flyer decrying "an incestuous relationship leading to moral decay": I'm sure it was intended as a put-on. If I'm wrong, it's the work of a genuine one-of-a-kind crackpot.

Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum (www.askisadora.com) or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions individually.

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