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Love & sex > Savage Love

Transformers

It gets a bit complicated when you change genders

 

Published 6/23/2010

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More from Dan Savage

Getting cuckold feet (10/6/2010)
Jealous lovers, screaming partners and a noble online project

Awkward threesomes (9/29/2010)
Is he a third wheel? Or in the throes of a cuckold fetish?

Hope for the future (9/22/2010)
Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself

Q: My friend is a gay-identified FTM. He's hot, he's cute and, above the waist, you would never guess what he's got down below. We love to kiss and cuddle, and from my end, his blow jobs are great. The problem is that I have no idea how to reciprocate. He isn't into anal (why would he be, without a prostate?), there's no cock for me to suck, and what he does have down below doesn't interest either of us.

Do you have any ideas on how I could turn him on and get him off? It's starting to frustrate me. Getting bottom work done is a long way off with the current finances. —Sent From The Savage Love App For iPhone

A: "Your FTM partner has to become comfortable with his own body before you can attempt to satisfy him sexually," says Buck Angel, transsexual FTM porn star, aka "the man with a pussy."

"Your partner will need to share with you what his needs are," says Buck. "Nobody should be expected to guess at what his partner wants. Communication is important, regardless of gender or sexuality."

I agree 100 percent with Buck, but, rereading your letter, SFTSLAFI, I'm thinking there's a chance your FTM partner is comfortable with his body but he's painfully aware that you are not. Up to a certain point, that's understandable: You're a gay guy, not a bi guy, pussy isn't your thing, etc. But there's a point at which your aversion to pussy — his pussy — becomes unacceptable.

And you know what? If you're accepting regular blow jobs from this guy, SFTSLAFI, then you're well past that point.

Maybe it would help if you didn't think of his pussy as pussy. All fetuses start out as girls — you were a girl once, SFTSLAFI — until the process of sex differentiation kicks in and "masculinizing hormones," if they're present, turn little girl fetuses into little boy fetuses, and little fetal pussies into little fetal cocks. So you know what your FTM boyfriend has down there? Pretty much all the same stuff you do. His clit is analogous to the head of your cock, and his clit has a shaft just like your cock does. He has ovaries for balls and a clitoral hood for a foreskin, and he's got a piss slit down there somewhere too.

Think of his pussy as a cock that's still in the box it came in. It's like a cock you got at Ikea — there's some assembly required, SFTSLAFI, but you can assemble it only in your imagination.

Back to Buck: "Maybe you two should start playing with that part of his body together," says Buck. "Perhaps you can try out some fun sex toys. Or maybe he can masturbate for you, and you will find that hot and want to jump in."

What's really important, though, is convincing your FTM boyfriend that you're not going to freak out when you see him or touch him.

"That fear is why so many FTM guys have a problem dealing with their genitals," says Buck. "They are afraid of what other people will think or how they'll react. Once you make him feel safe, then I would almost bet that your sex life will explode.

"Also, just because he doesn't have a prostate, that isn't the reason he doesn't like anal," continues Buck. "I know lots of FTM guys and women who love anal sex. In fact, many FTMs are into anal and don't even want vaginal sex."

You can check out Buck — you can check out all of Buck — at buckangel.com, where you can also order his porn, which you might find helpful, SFTSLAFI.

"These guys should watch a Buck Angel film while having sex," says Buck. "It'll show him the way some FTMs like to get off and might make him see how hot having sex with an FTM is!"


Q:
I'm a straight girl who hates all the slang terms for vagina. Cunt, twat, pussy — first's too vulgar, second's too awful, third's too cute. And vajayjay? Too stupid. All the best sex-organ slang is reserved for men. It makes me sad. —Sent From My iPod

A: Let's just call 'em all cock then, shall we? Your pussy, SFTSLAFI's boyfriend's pussy, Buck's pussy — they're all cocks in the boxes they came in.


Q:
I'm a 26-year-old FTM who is interested in seeing what sex with gay men is like. Although I have identified as heterosexual in the past, I do find something appealing in the idea of being appreciated sexually as a man by men who like men. I'm attractive, fit, over average height for a man, and passable — although I am quite slim and look like I'm about 17. I know that gay men find me attractive. I'm often cruised, and men have told me that I am good-looking and have expressed interest in me. In these situations, I'm usually not out as a tranny.

I have a few hesitations, however. I've never had sex with a man. I don't know what would be expected of me with the anatomy I've got. I'm worried that those interested in me would see me as a bottom, which simply isn't the case.

Another worry is appearing so young. I take myself seriously intellectually — presently, I am thriving in medical school — and would like others to do the same. And all these worries presuppose that there are decent men out there who'd even be interested in my body in a respectful way.

Can you, as a gay man, tell me anything about the gay male community? I'd be grateful. —Curious About Gay Encounters, Yep

A: The gay male community in a nutshell: There are some good guys out there, some OK guys, and lots and lots of assholes — pretty much the same as any other community — and there are definitely gay guys out there willing to go there with a cute FTM. (See the first letter in today's column; also, see all the guys who've banged Buck in his movies.) To separate the good gays from the bad gays, CAGEY, you'll have to use your best judgment, the same common sense and bullshit detectors you use with anyone else; to separate the gay guys who would be up for sleeping with a trans man, all you have to do is be up-front about who you are and what you're after with the men who cruise you.

As for your youthful appearance: There will be some "good" guys who'll cruise you and feel terrible about it — meaning, they'll find you attractive and think, "No, no, no. He's way too young." These guys will be hugely relieved when they learn you're actually a 26-year-old med student.

Finally, CAGEY, don't concern yourself with expectations. Just be open and honest about what you've got, equipment-wise, and what you're interested in exploring, gay-wise. Not a bottom? Just say so. It'll scare off the guys who want to top you, of course, but you don't want to sleep with them anyway. I promise you that some of the gay guys who cruise you will be psyched to bottom for you — I'm assuming that you, a hetero-identified man up to now, already own at least one strap-on, right? — because it'll be easier for them to deal with what you've got down there if you're strapping on something they're used to.


Q:
My current boyfriend lets me blow him but refuses to go down on me. I miss oral sex! —Missing Oral Undulations That Hornify

A: If he won't eat your pussy, MOUTH, make him suck your cock.

Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to mail@savagelove.net.

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